On the
Lighter Side...

- Quotes -
- Chains Too Long -
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Quotable Quotes...

When I went to Catholic high school in Philadelphia, we just had one coach for football and basketball. He took all of us who turned out and had us run through a forest. The ones who ran into the trees were on the football team. ~George Raveling


"Speed is not your fastest, but your slowest man. No back can run faster than his interference."
~ Jock Sutherland


 

"I just wrap my arms around the whole backfield and peel 'em one by one until I get to the ball carrier. Him I keep."
~ Big Daddy Lipscomb


"The game of life is a lot like football. You tackle your problems, block your fears, and score your points when you get the opportunity."
~ Unknown


"Winning isn't something that happens suddenly on the field when the whistle blows and the crowds roar. Winning is something that builds physically and mentally every day that you train and every night that you dream."
~ Emmitt Smith, Future NFL Hall of Famer.


"If you see a defensive line with a lot of dirt on their backs, they've had a bad day."
~ John Madden


"Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it."
~Heywood Hale Brown


"Most football players are temperamental.  That's 90 percent temper and 10 percent mental."
~Doug Plank


"Thanksgiving dinners take eighteen hours to prepare.  They are consumed in twelve minutes.  Half-times take twelve minutes.  This is not coincidence."
~Erma Bombeck


 

"I like to believe that my best hits border on felonious assault."
~Jack Tatum

"Football isn't a contact sport, it's a collision sport. Dancing is a contact sport."
 ~ Duffy Daugherty (former Head Coach - Michigan State)


"In most nations, when people say "football", they mean "soccer", which is a completely different game in which smallish persons whiz about on a field while the spectators beat each other up and eventually overthrow the government. I don't know why the other nations call soccer "football," but I suspect it has something to do with the metric system and I say the hell with it."
 ~ Dave Barry (Humorist)


"If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead."
~ Erma Bombeck (Humorist)


"Baseball players are smarter than football players. How often do you see a baseball team penalized for too many players on the field."
~ Jim Boulton (former pro baseball player)


"Football is, after all, a wonderful way to get rid of your aggressions without going to jail for it."
~ Heywood Hale Brown (Journalist)


"You have to play this game like somebody just hit your mother with a two-by-four. "
~ Dan Birdwell (former Oakland Raider)


"Pro football is like nuclear warfare. There are no winners, only survivors." 
~ Frank Gifford (former Hall-of-Fame New York Giant)


"If you're mad at your kid, you can either raise him to be a nose tackle or send him out to play on the freeway. It's about the same. "
~ Bob Golic (former Oakland Raider)


"Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent."
~ Dave Barry (humorist)


"At the base of it was the urge, if you wanted to play football, to knock someone down, that was what the sport was all about, the will to win closely linked with contact." 
~ George Plimpton (journalist)


"The reason women * don't play football is because eleven of them would never wear the same outfit in public. "
~ Phyllis Diller (comedienne)      
         (w/apologies to Kristen)


"I have seen women walk right past a TV set with a football game on and - this always amazes me - not stop to watch, even if the TV is showing replays of what we call a "good hit," which is a tackle that causes at least one major internal organ to actually fly out of a player's body." 
~ Dave Barry (humorist)


"Old quarterbacks never die. They just pass away."
~ Anonymous


"We've got so many players on the disabled list, our team bus gets to park in the handicapped space."
~ Anonymous


"The only way they can gain yardage is to run their game films backward."
~ Anonymous


OK, we never said they were good jokes.
If you know any better ones, send them to us.


"First and 10, plus... 6?"

By Amy Beth Hanson
Associated Press Writer

HELENA, Mont. -- For the past three years, high school football players who played at Vigilante Stadium had a tougher challenge than they realized:

The first-down chains that are supposed to measure 10-yards actually are 10-yards, 6 inches.

"It's just one of those things that you take for granted that it's accurate," said school activities director Jim Opitz.

The inaccurate markers, purchased new three years ago, have been used at home games for the city's two high school football teams, Helena Capital and Helena High.

The error wasn't noticed until the second half of the season-opening high school football game between Helena Capital and Missoula Hellgate last month.  Hellgate started a possession on its 20-yardline, and ended up going for it on fourth-and-short. After the play, the nose of the ball was on the 30-yardline, but a measurement with the chains showed Hellgate was still a few inches short of a first down. 

Game officials awarded possession to Capital.

"The Hellgate coaches were beside themselves, which is understandable," Capital coach Mark Samson said. "They called a timeout.

"When I got to the huddle, kids were asking, 'Coach, how can we go 10-yards and not get a first down?"'

A simple question, really.

The officials guessed that the maintenance crew hadn't lined the field correctly. They told Samson they were giving the ball to Hellgate.

"Everyone just kind of ignored it after that," Samson said.  But that wasn't the end of it.

Dave Powell, facilities manager for Helena schools and in charge of chalking the lines on the field, didn't like that his crew was being blamed.

"When I heard they were running my crew around, double checking the fields, I was a little bit upset, because the first thing I thought they should be double checking was the chains," Powell said.

"Those guys are used to going 10-yards. They didn't work out and train themselves to go 10-yards, 6 inches," he added. "In a way it's pretty laughable."

The new entry in the official's rule book states: "The game officials shall check the measuring device for accuracy prior to the start of the game."

And that's being taken quite seriously these days.


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